BLURRY POETRY from 2006: Just how far gone I was, but I was way further gone. "NEVER GIVE UP" and "BAH HUMBUG"

Poem called, "NEVER GIVE UP"

I do what I want. Whenever I want. And let's talk about needs; I need to bleed. Cause I'm use to pain.
It's nothing new to me, flash it in front of me, I DON'T CARE! Cause I'm my worst enemy, and I've survived myself, so I think I'll survive you. And I'll write passed carpal tunnel syndrome sinkin in.
Pain motivates me. It's like pain toppled with a few strong shots of caffeine, it wakes me up. Come up on life, so abrupt. Cause the beats will come. They will run, and run, till they reach the Sun, cause I need this, I just need some good ole fashioned guidance, that's all. It's hard to do it on your own.
The whole purpose is to own the throne; power and money, enough  to blow, put on a show and get people hyped about life, cause adrenalin is my vice. And I take, more and more, tolerance I ignore, cause the strength makes you smooth, to where you know you can't lose, just prove, to yourself. Keep a solid bill of health. Came out your life like a stealth and come thru with a vengeance. The shady side won't risk immenseness.

[Can't believe how fixated on money and power I was back then? But I know that I meant well, but was just so lost and confused]

A Poem called, "BAH HUMBUG" June 26th, 2006:

The check didn't come! It never does?
So what the fu(k do I do? Freak out? Throw a rut?
I 'HATE' the temptation of relieving this stress.
But I must learn how to deal with this, until my death...
Look at my deck of cards I've been dealt?
Shit don't look so bright!
Feeling good ain't as simple as flying a kite.
I just might make it, or I just might throw a fit.
But no matter what happens, this is some real shit.
Cause life is fu(ked up.
But I try to laugh.
I crave that power!
And want that cash...
I'm alienated.
Have a fu(ked up past.
If you want to judge me you can kiss my ass.
I'LL BE BURIED UPSIDE DOWN!
And disciplines rising.
And my strength is MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My training is sick.
The pain, I must have. It's what I'm use to.
And at times, it feels beautiful.
Full Of Faith; being a warrior takes getting use to.
Life turning sour.
Feeling drained of power.
But when it comes back? Revenge is in the path that I take.
Cause I'm angry, and this shit is personal.
Take the war to new heights.
My politicals is versatile.
Cause morals should be allowed.
Don't let me see you break them.
This the mind of a true zen warrior.

[I have no clue what was going thru my head during this, BUT! And I apologize for the cursing, this is how far gone I was, and thru shear faith, we can change.]

Thanx for reading, BLUR.